“Gaslighting” is a buzzword that has been getting a lot of airtime recently as a relationship killer. In 2022, it was named Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year!
But what is gaslighting exactly? And what can you do if it’s happening to you?
Gaslighting refers to a form of psychological abuse in which the abuser manipulates their victim into questioning their own perception of reality. The victim is led to believe that they cannot trust their own thinking. This breaks down their self-confidence and self-reliance, and fosters dependency on the abuser – exactly what the abuser is trying to achieve.
Obviously, gaslighting is not what we would call an effective communication technique as far as relationships go. In fact, it’s a pretty destructive dynamic in any relationship.
Let’s get a better understanding of what this looks like and how to deal with it.
Why Is It Called Gaslighting?
The origin of this term is somewhat unexpected. You’d think it would have something to do with how the behavior shows up or what it looks like, right? For example, it’s not hard to figure out the meanings of other terms you might hear from a relationship therapist, like “repair attempts” or “betrayal trauma.”
The term “gaslighting” on the other hand, doesn’t remotely indicate what the behavior actually is. That’s because it comes from the title of 1938 play called Gas Light, in which the main character uses this kind of psychological manipulation on his wife.
The play (and subsequent movie remakes) never actually uses the title as a verb; it slipped into usage over time, and has become a commonly thrown about, often misunderstood term in modern times.
What is Gaslighting Not?
Gaslighting takes many forms, but the bottom line is that your partner (or family member, friend, etc.) finds ways to undercut you and persuade you not to believe that which you know to be true.
This is not just having a dispute about a given topic (such as animal rights, or the correct way to load a dishwasher) and being persuaded by the weight of the evidence or quality of the arguments that your position is incorrect. Rather, gaslighting is when your partner deliberately tries to make you question your own perceptions by deflecting, minimizing, or outright lying about what’s going on.
Although the term seems to be increasingly used as a general attack, with people launching accusations of gaslighting against anyone they're not too happy with, in reality the concept does not include every negative behavior a person could potentially employ. For example. gaslighting isn't the same thing as calling someone names, yelling at them, spreading rumors, being sarcastic, etc. (Those are all things someone might do as part of their gaslighting strategy, but being mean is not in and of itself gaslighting.)
I was once accused of gaslighting my audience when I was presenting a webinar on infidelity, because I had asked if the participants who were willing to turn on their cameras would do so. I am still not sure what the offense was, let alone how that is an example of gaslighting. 🤷🏻♂️
What Does Gaslighting Look Like?
Here’s a remarkable, true, and telling example of what gaslighting actually looks like: I once worked with a client who admitted that he had taken his wife’s keys, which were sitting among the various items on their kitchen counter, and pocketed them, while his wife chaotically searched around for them. He sat down and read the paper on the couch while she raced back and forth around the house, asking him if he’d seen her keys, commenting that she was sure she left them on the counter, etc.
Eventually, while she was searching in another room, he calmly went and placed them back where he’d taken them from then went back to the couch. Then, he made a loud sigh, got up and went to the counter, and said in a purposefully demeaning tone, “Sweetheart, they’re right here. Jeez.” His wife, to her shock and bewilderment, came back to find the keys on the counter, right where she thought she had left them.
Imagine how unsettling, how utterly disorienting that must feel. Try to actually imagine yourself in that scenario. It is incredibly destabilizing! This is classic gaslighting.
Here are some other ways people gaslight their partners:
A man says vicious things to his girlfriend and humiliate her in public, then flips 180 degrees when they get home, sweetly professing his love or asking with seeming genuineness, “Don’t I treat you so well?”
A woman gets angry at her partner for not having done something she requested, knowing that she never actually made the request, but insisting that she did and that her partner just forgot.
Conversely, she might deny that her partner ever said something (that she knows he did say). She might dig her heels in hard and go to great lengths to prove it was never said (and the more obvious it is that her partner is right, the more crazymaking it is for her to deny it).
After a violent episode in which a man throws objects around and breaks things, he accuses his wife of being a slob and yell at her to clean up the [expletive] house.
One partner curses the other one out and says extremely mean things, then trivializes what happened by accusing their partner of being too sensitive or saying “it was no big deal.”
In the original Gas Light play, the husband’s behavior involves, among other things, manipulating his wife by dimming and brightening the lights (gas-powered, in those days), then denying that anything was happening when she brought it up.
Effects of Gaslighting
The effect of all these behaviors is basically to have you questioning everything. You start wondering to yourself, “Am I crazy?” You become unsure whether you can trust your own perceptions, your own senses, your own thoughts.
Of course, if you can’t trust what’s going on in your own head, that is a very scary place to be. You begin to trust yourself less and less; instead, you rely on your partner, who seems much more certain of themselves. You increasingly doubt every decision you want to make and turn to your partner to make them for you. You lose all your self-confidence and feel anxious all the time (who wouldn’t, if they weren’t sure they had a solid grasp on reality?).
It is very unnerving and anxiety-provoking to experience this kind of abuse, to say the least.
How Do You Know If It’s Happening to You?
Of course, if you are using effective communication techniques, such as the ones laid out in The Couples Communication Handbook, gaslighting will pretty clearly be a departure from the usual, helpful processes you’d be using. You’d probably recognize that something was off.
However, if you’re still working on getting your communication dialed in (as is probably true of most people) that may unfortunately not be the case. It can be difficult to spot this kind of behavior being used against you, precisely because it is a calculated attempt to make you question yourself; you’re never even sure if it’s happening. Moreover, gaslighting can start up gradually and increase over time, leaving you like the proverbial frog in boiling water.
It's hard to remain sure of yourself when you know you left the keys in one spot, but they simply aren’t there; and then all the more so when, after half an hour of searching, they turn up there after all, even though you know you checked there multiple times. But on top of that, the gaslighter always seems so incredibly sure of themselves; they find ways to artfully convince you to doubt your own sureness. They exploit the 1% doubt in your mind by presenting 100% certainty.
If you find yourself in this situation repeatedly, consider that a red flag. We all make mistakes at times, thinking we put our belongings in one place but finding it in another. But you probably aren’t experiencing that over and over again. It’s something that happens to most people infrequently. Especially if there are other indicators of abuse in your relationship, such instances should raise concerns about gaslighting.
On the other hand, if you have an awesome, intimate, safe relationship, getting into an argument from time to time about who said what when, or who was supposed to take out the trash, or some other question of who is right – that’s likely just a normal bump in a relationship that most people experience.
Even people with great marriages and great communication find themselves in arguments from time to time. And even good people engage in abusive behaviors sometimes – how many people can honestly say they’ve never put down their partner, never talked over them, never raised their voice? I sure can’t.
The difference is in intent and frequency. Again, if you’re experiencing repeated interactions where you find yourself questioning your reality, doubting your own mind – something might be fishy. If you’re experiencing any of the following, pay attention to it:
You’re frequently second-guessing yourself.
You hesitate when making even simple decisions.
You wonder if you’re too sensitive or even crazy.
You feel like you can’t do anything right.
You always end up apologizing to your partner when something goes wrong; they rarely if ever apologize to you.
You know that something just isn’t right, but you can’t articulate what it is (even possibly to yourself)
What Should You Do If You’re Being Gaslit?
If things are generally okay in your relationship and this is a one-off event, don’t get too worried about it. You can address it later like you would any negative interaction. But if you think you’re seeing a repeated pattern or deliberate tactic, it’s important to do something about it.
If your partner is in fact being consistently abusive, confronting them about it is unlikely to be helpful. What do you think happens when you confront a gaslighter about their gaslighting? Correct. They gaslight.
They deny that they’re doing anything wrong, blame you for being “crazy” or “oversensitive,” and don’t change a thing. (Contrast that with the response of someone who truly means well and has messed up, which would sound a lot more like, “I really didn’t mean to say it like that,” or even “I’m sorry about that.”)
The first step, then, would be to get some outside perspective. Talk to an unbiased friend or family member (i.e., not one who already thinks your partner is a nutjob/the best thing ever), or a trusted mentor, teacher, or clergyperson; or get yourself a therapist who is knowledgeable about abuse in relationships. Share with them what’s been going on in your relationship and see how it reads to them. Is there a pattern you haven’t noticed? Does it seem like you’re being reasonably objective?
If it becomes clear that you are in an abusive relationship, it may be time to consider whether it makes sense for you to be in it. Couples counseling might be a viable next step, as long as you are not in physical danger or extreme duress. (Any therapist who is familiar with the dynamics of abuse will refuse to see a couple where there is active physical abuse going on.) But if your partner continues their abusive behaviors, you would be wise not to hang around waiting for them to change.
Proceeding with your own therapy, whether or not you remain in the relationship, is also critically helpful. You may need to relearn to trust and believe in yourself; outside support and guidance can be an important part of getting back there.
The Bottom Line
Gaslighting is an insidious tool of abuse that is intentional and controlling, with the goal of undermining the victim’s self-confidence and belief in themselves. It may not be the most painful part of an abusive relationship, but it is arguably among the most damaging. Victims of abuse consistently say that the psychological abuse they had to endure was worse than the physical abuse.
If you think you might be in this position, please don’t leave it to a communication book to solve the problem – call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or reach out to a local professional for help.
