Never Fight in Front of the Kids – True or False?

Here’s another common piece of wisdom most parents have heard: never fight in front of the kids. Good advice? Bad advice? Let’s take a look.

What’s the Problem with Fighting in Front of the Kids?

There are a number of reasons given for not fighting in front of your children:

1. It teaches children to resolve conflict by yelling/name-calling/whatever it looks like when you’re going at each other.

2. It creates the expectation for them that that’s what a loving relationship looks like.

3. It is just plain scary for kids to see their parents lashing out at each other. Nobody likes to see their loved ones under fire.

4. It can be super destabilizing for them, bringing up fears of divorce and even violence.

5. Kids often feel responsible and guilty for fighting that goes on between their parents.

So, fighting in front of the kids is a bad thing then, right?

Well, yes and no.

It really depends on what we mean by fighting.

Most people don’t have extensive training in conflict resolution, nor have they worked on their own personality development to better control their anger, moderate their ego, etc. (To be fair, some have—but I don’t think that’s the majority of the population.)

For a lot of couples, fighting involves some or all of the following behaviors:

• Yelling

• Angry gestures

• Insulting

• Name calling

• Putdowns

• Threats

• Shoving

• Physical harm

It is fairly self-evident that you don’t want your children seeing you do that or, worse, learning from you to do the same.

BUT – you don’t have to fight that way.

What’s the Alternative?

My wife and I still get into fights – but they don’t include anything on the above list. When something goes awry, we’ll start getting snippy with each other and then – in line with my own advice – we take a break.

Then we’ll come back to it later, and if it’s not too personal a subject, we’ll talk about it right in the open. (To be honest, sometimes I intentionally broach an issue when the kids are in earshot.) We’ll use all the techniques I talk about it the book.

That kind of fight is great for the kids to witness. They learn what good communication looks like – respectful, collaborative, and empathic.

They learn what to expect out of a relationship – mutual support; respect; and, perhaps most critical, normal ups and downs. (Some folks walk into marriage believing that if a couple is having arguments, something is wrong. Not so!)

They learn that marriage takes work, and doesn’t fix itself if you don’t talk about things.

And they learn that their parents love each other and aren’t going anywhere, regardless of disagreements and frustrations.

That’s all good stuff for them to know.

So We Should Fight in Front of the Kids?

The bottom line is that it’s true you should try to avoid fighting in front of the kids – if your fights are harsh, nasty, angry, and/or violent.

In fact, if your fights are such that you don’t want your kids to see or hear them, then you ought to be working on how you fight anyway. (I know a good book...) I’m sure you’re not enjoying those interactions either.

Plus, it’s worth mentioning; odds are your kids are in the know anyway. If you’re yelling at each other behind closed doors, your kids are just hearing muffled screams. That’s no less frightening.

(You may think you hide it well, but I have worked extensively with perpetrators of domestic violence, many of whom themselves grew up with parents who were abusive to each other. They will tell you that they keep the fights between them and their partners hidden from the kids. But then when you ask them if they knew about their own parents’ fights, nearly all hands go up. Children are often maddeningly perceptive.)

On the other hand, if your “fights” look more like the conversations described in The Couples Communication Handbook (see especially the epilogue, for example), then go ahead and fight in front of the kids. Do it often.