Empathic dialogue, the heart of The Couples Communication Handbook, works. It works well.
It’s a little tough to prove it to you. I can’t do a quick demonstration for you—it probably wouldn’t impact you much to see my wife and I act it out. I doubt that would come off as a real example of how it goes—it’s hard to fake the real feelings that come up in you when you go through the process. And my wife isn’t a great actor anyway. 😆
We’ve considered recording one of our actual dialogues, which can be raw and difficult. like for any other mortal couple; but we have yet to catch one when it happens. And even then, you might feel a bit skeptical—kind of like watching exercise gurus show you their latest Easy-Peasy Workout at Home routine that shows them doing all kinds of squats and crunches and whatnot without so much breaking a sweat. They’re in great shape doing their thing; that doesn’t convince you that you can pull it off too!
Nor can I invite you into the therapy room to see how couples and families finally start to hear each other for the first time, and the relief and connection that they experience as a result. (Few couples in the counseling process are excited about the idea of being recorded for public viewing.)
What About Research?
I don’t have decades of research to show you. I’m not a scholar or a researcher. Nor do I have a university affiliation to support such a process.
At the same time, empathic dialogue isn’t born out of thin air. As I note in the book’s introduction, the principles aren’t new; only my presentation is. The elements of empathy and dialogue are found in other couples counseling modalities as well, ones that do have decades of research behind them.
So, while I don’t want to say that my approach is “just like” some other ones, I think there is enough similarity that their evidence bodes well for us.
Specifically, look up the research on Relationship Enhancement Therapy that demonstrates its effectiveness (e.g., this article). Relationship Enhancement Therapy is the modality that empathic dialogue most closely resembles.
Imago Therapy also has much in common with empathic dialogue, and that approach has been helping couples for decades (check out this study, for example). In fact, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D, the couple who developed this model, were kind enough to read and endorse The Couples Counseling Handbook (“We recommend this book to all couples looking for a happy, connected relationship, and to all therapists who want to learn from a master.”)
So I didn’t create something from nothing in a burst of wild, new-age inspiration. We’re certainly standing on the shoulders of those who have come before us, and I am grateful to all those researchers, academics, and practitioners who have enhanced our understanding of marriage and relationships in the past decades.
So How Do You Know This Works?
I’ll tell you what. Give it a try.
The book is not a big investment. Why not buy a copy and give it a whirl? You can also book a coaching call with me, but you certainly don’t have to start there.
The truth is that there’s different strokes for different folks. There are many approaches to marital success out there. No one of them will work for everyone, including empathic dialogue. Maybe it’s for you, and maybe it’s not. This is true for any other book or modality you may find.
If you’re not sure this will work, that’s okay. The book ought to be an easy read (although implementing the techniques will take you some time and effort—any guide to marriage or relationships that promises quick and easy change isn’t being real with you). And for those of you who aren’t big readers, there’s an audiobook too!
Give it a shot, and see if it helps you finally get the communication in your marriage on track. (I have a hunch it will. 😉)
And hey, let me know either way!
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