How To Get the Most Out of Marriage Coaching

Marriage takes work.

This might not be news to you at this point. (If it is news to you, grab the first two chapters of the book here to read up on this and some of the other myths that commonly plague marriages.)

That is to say, there is no reason to feel bad or ashamed if you need help with your marriage. Any goal worth reaching requires you to push yourself beyond your limits. 

And just as even the best athletes—especially the best athletes—have coaches to help them succeed, married folks would do well to have a support system and guide to help them reach the finish line.

If you’re ready to get a coach in your corner, here are a few ways to make the most out of your efforts:

Plan to work

Just like an athlete doesn’t expect their coach to put in the work for them, don’t expect a marriage therapist to solve all your problems for you. They’ll be there to point you in the right direction, to build up your strengths and shore up your weaknesses, but you’re gonna have to do the drills yourself if you want to grow.

What you can expect is that your coach will work collaboratively with you to work through the problems at hand. If you get hooked up with a therapist who listens politely to all your problems and sends you home without any ideas for making things better, I recommend finding yourself another therapist.

You should feel like you are trying things that might be new and difficult in order to move through your problems and towards your goals; and if you aren’t, don’t be shy to try a different provider. (It is totally normal to have to try a couple of providers before finding the one that’s right for you.)

You should likewise not expect that a marriage coach will call out only your spouse and push them to do better because really they’re the problem. There are two of you in this couple; expect that both of you will be called upon to do things differently.

Be consistent

You don’t lose weight by showing up at the gym whenever you notice your pants getting a little tight. You lose weight by showing up three times a week whether you feel like it or not.

Similarly, marriages don’t improve by folks coming for a week or two then forgetting to schedule an appointment until the next fight breaks out.

Plan to see your coach weekly whether there’s been a fight that week or not. Not every session will provide you with a mind-blowing a-ha moment – but the truth is the more than a-ha moments, it is the day-to-day and week-to-week practice that will make a difference in your marriage.

Eventually you and your coach can decide when it’s time to space out sessions or move to an as-needed arrangement; but don’t plan for that kind of schedule at the outset if you want to get the most out of the process.

Frontload

Likewise, you may be inclined to schedule something once a month or every other week rather than weekly, whether because of the time involved, the cost, or other factors. There are certainly situations where there is no other choice, and less frequent coaching is undoubtedly better than no coaching at all.

However, don’t shortchange yourself by opting for a lighter schedule if weekly sessions are at all possible.

Any client I have ever spoken to about this who plays a sport or teaches a craft has agreed with this point: six weeks in a row of lessons is far more effective at giving you the needed skills than six lessons every other week; it’s just not as good when you leave extra, unneeded time between sessions.

Frontloading your investment is a smart way to go. Put in the time, money and effort up front and scale back after a while rather than spreading it out to begin with. You’ll see better results.

Keep the big picture in mind

You will not walk away from every session with one more problem out of the way and a bounce in your step. If you’ve sought out a marriage professional, it is probably safe to assume that the issue at hand didn’t develop in the last week, and it’s not going away in a week either. You are likely to leave many sessions without having cleanly tied up all loose ends.

Instead, keep an eye out to see that things are improving over time, that you are gaining skills and tools you can draw on outside of sessions, and that you see a path forward towards ultimately reaching your goals. (Many coaches will in fact check in with you regularly on these questions, making sure that you have moved up from your baseline and that you feel things are overall moving forward.)

Realize also that growth is never a straight line upwards. You will take two steps forward and then one step back. You will have bad days and weeks. This is a normal part of the growth process. Don’t let a setback throw you off. Nobody who reaches excellence gets there without a lot of fails along the way.

Appreciate small gains

Nobody reaches excellence in one day, either – even if that day comes after a hundred days before it. That is to say, you won’t wake up one morning to find that suddenly your marriage is awesome. 

A sprinter does not run the 100-meter dash in 11 seconds week after week and then one day hit 9.7. Rather, it’s a process of shaving off a few milliseconds at a time.

Rather than experiencing a sudden transformation, your marriage is more likely to see small changes – a reduction in massive fights from twice a week to once a week, and then down to every other week (and then back up and down again). Or there will be one more toddler tantrum this week that you manage well together, or a slight uptick in sexual activities, or whatever the problems are you are looking to solve.

That’s what progress looks like.

And if you can’t appreciate a small step forward, then you probably won’t ever get to appreciate a look back at just how far you’ve actually walked.

Get Started with Marriage Coaching

A marriage coach is not a miracle worker. There’s a lot of work to be done, and a coach can help you identify it, prepare for it, and grind through it - they just can’t do it for you.

Keep these tips in mind to get the most out of working with a marriage professional of any kind. And of course, if you are looking for help with your marriage, feel free to reach out!