If you’ve ever found yourself locked in an argument that somehow snowballs from “you forgot to call the plumber” to “you never listen to me,” you already know this truth: the issue is rarely the issue.
Couples think they’re fighting about chores, money, parenting, or whose turn it is to take the car in for an oil change—but underneath all of that, there’s usually something else going on.
I know this is hard for some people to get on board with. “What do you mean it’s not the issue? Of course it’s the issue! The sink is still leaking!”
Yes, the sink is leaking. But the argument about it isn’t about plumbing. It’s about meaning—what that situation represents to each of you.
When “Facts” Don’t Fix Anything
Here’s a conversation I’ve seen play out countless times (and maybe you have too):
Partner A: “You said you’d call the plumber.”
Partner B: “No, I said I’d do it after I finished the report for work.”
Partner A: “That’s not what you said. You said you’d do it Monday.”
Partner B: “I did say Monday! But Monday I had three meetings!”
Partner A: “You always have an excuse. You just don’t care about this house.”
Now we’re not talking about a plumber anymore. We’ve shifted into something bigger: Do you care about me? Can I trust your word? Am I important to you?
When couples get stuck in loops like this, they often think the solution is to argue their case better—to find the proof that they were right. But winning the point doesn’t win the relationship. You can’t logic your way out of an emotional problem.
As I tell my clients, you can be right, or you can be happy. Pick one.
Feelings First, Fixing Second
The problem with most arguments isn’t that the topic is impossible to solve; it’s that we try to solve it before we understand it. We rush to “fix” the situation before we know what the real problem even is.
Let’s take a simple example: one spouse forgets to pick up milk on the way home. The other is annoyed. Seems straightforward—someone just needs to remember next time, right? But what’s often hiding underneath is something like:
“I feel like I can’t count on you.”
“I feel like my requests don’t matter.”
“I feel like I’m carrying all the responsibility.”
If those feelings aren’t recognized, the same argument is going to happen again next week, just with a different grocery item. Because you can’t solve a problem you don’t understand.
When couples learn to slow down and explore why they’re upset instead of what they’re upset about, the whole tone of the conversation changes. It stops being a tug-of-war and becomes an investigation. You’re no longer fighting to win—you’re trying to understand.
Exploring vs. Resolving
In the book, I talk about separating your conversations into two parts: exploring and resolving.
Most of us skip straight to the resolving phase: “Here’s the problem, here’s the fix.” But exploration is where the real magic happens. That’s where you uncover the emotional terrain behind the facts.
Exploring means asking questions like:
“What’s bothering you about this?”
“What did that feel like for you?”
“What made that situation so frustrating?”
And it means answering those questions honestly yourself. Not with accusations, but with curiosity about your own feelings: “I think what’s getting to me is feeling like my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.”
Notice that exploring isn’t about blame—it’s about discovery. You’re trying to understand how this feels before deciding what to do about it.
Only after both partners feel understood does it make sense to move into resolving. Because once you both know what the real issue is, the solution almost writes itself.
Facts Don’t Fix Feelings
One of the biggest traps couples fall into is arguing about the facts. “I did tell you.” “No, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did—check your texts!”
Let me save you some time: nobody ever won a marriage by proving they were right.
Even if you could produce a video recording that proves your version of events, it wouldn’t change how your partner feels. They’d just move the goalposts. (“Okay, fine, you did say it—but not in the right tone!”)
Because it’s not about the facts. It’s about how those facts feel. Your partner might know you said you’d call the plumber. But if they felt brushed off, or taken for granted, or invisible in that moment, that’s what matters. That’s the problem you need to solve.
If you’re trying to get your spouse to admit that your memory of the event is more accurate, you’re not solving the problem—you’re making it bigger. You’re both playing for points instead of peace.
How to Practice “Exploring” in Real Life
So how do you actually do this differently? Here’s a simple way to practice:
Pause the fix-it reflex. When your spouse brings something up, resist the urge to jump to solutions or defenses. If your first instinct is “Well, that’s not true,” take a breath. You can get to the facts later.
Ask Questions. Instead of explaining, ask: “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?” or “What’s that like for you?” These questions show you care about the experience, not just the content.
Reflect What You Hear. Try summarizing what your partner just said, in your own words. “So it sounds like you felt ignored when I said I’d get to it later.” You’re not agreeing; you’re showing you heard them.
Share Your Side—On Your Turn. Once your partner feels heard, you can ask to share your own perspective: “I didn’t realize how that came across. I was just overwhelmed with work, but I see how it looked.”
Only Then Talk Solutions. When both of you feel understood, that’s when you can ask, “Okay, so what can we do differently next time?”
It might sound simple, but I can tell you from years of seeing couples try this that it changes everything. The same old argument stops being a wall between you and starts becoming a bridge.
Let Go of “Who’s Right”
When couples come to me, one of the first things I tell them is: I’m not interested in who’s right. I’m interested in what works.
Arguing about right and wrong is a zero-sum game. If I win, you lose—and that’s a terrible dynamic for a marriage. The goal isn’t to win; it’s to understand. Because once you understand, solutions are easy, and connection follows naturally.
A good marriage doesn’t require two people who see everything the same way. It requires two people who can talk about what’s different without tearing each other apart.
So next time you find yourself in a familiar fight, try asking yourself: “What’s this really about?”
Chances are, it’s not about dishes, or money, or who left the lights on. It’s about feeling respected, heard, cared for, trusted.
And when you can get to that conversation—the real one—you’ll find that many of your old fights just stop showing up.
Because when you deal with what’s underneath, the surface becomes much easier to deal with too.
