The One Communication Rule That Could Save Your Marriage

Jan 1

5 min read

If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with your partner over something small—like dishes in the sink or someone being five minutes late—you’re not alone. In fact, that’s exactly where most couples begin when they come to me for help.

They say things like, “We have communication issues,” or “We’re always arguing.” And when I dig a little deeper, it often turns out they’re fighting over the same things again and again.

But what if there were one simple rule you could follow to prevent most of these fights before they even start?

There is. And it’s this:

Talk about it later.

It sounds counterintuitive. Isn’t communication in marriage all about sharing your feelings openly and honestly? Yes. But timing is everything. And when emotions are running high, your brain is in “fight or flight” mode—not exactly the best place for connection and understanding.

Let me explain.

Why Talking About It Later Actually Works

There’s a myth that if something bothers you, you should bring it up right away—“clear the air,” so to speak. But the truth is, most of us don’t do our best communicating when we’re irritated, overwhelmed, or feeling disrespected.

That’s because in those moments, your brain literally shifts into a different gear. Your rational, problem-solving frontal lobe starts to shut down, and your more primitive, reactive brain—the “reptilian brain”—takes over. This part of your brain isn’t wired for connection. It’s wired for survival. And in marriage, that often leads to saying things you regret, shutting down, or escalating a conflict into a blowout.

When couples try to solve problems while in that state, nothing good happens. You might say things you don’t mean. You might rehearse the same argument you’ve had a dozen times. You might hurt each other—unintentionally, but deeply.

That’s why taking a pause, or a timeout, is such a powerful communication tool.

How to Take a Timeout in a Relationship (Without Making Things Worse)

A timeout isn’t an avoidance tactic. It’s a strategy. A smart one.

Here’s what it looks like in practice:

Say you need a break.
“I want to talk about this, but I’m too worked up right now.”
Say that you’ll come back.
“Let’s circle back to this tonight after dinner,” or “I need an hour to clear my head.”
Go do something that helps you calm down.
Walk, breathe, bake, journal, stretch, listen to music—just don’t rehearse your anger in your head.
Return and try again.
Revisit the conversation when both of you are in a better headspace. Then talk about what’s bothering you—with empathy and care.

It’s that simple. And that hard.

Because of course, when you’re upset, your emotions want to take the mic. You may feel like walking away means giving in, or that you’re letting your partner off the hook. But that’s just the heat talking. In reality, taking a timeout is not weakness—it’s wisdom.

“Never Go to Bed Angry” Is Terrible Advice

You’ve heard it before: Never go to bed angry.

I strongly disagree.

Trying to resolve things late at night, when you’re tired and upset, rarely goes well. You end up staying up until 2 a.m. rehashing the same points. The next day, you’re still angry—plus exhausted. And the fight? Still unresolved.

It’s okay to be angry. It’s even okay to go to bed angry. The difference is having a plan to talk about it later, when you’re calmer and more capable of actually hearing each other.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage is get a good night’s sleep.

What If You’re the One Who Wants to Talk Right Now?

Not everyone is comfortable with pausing a conflict. If your partner tries to walk away and you feel panicked or abandoned, that’s a real experience—and it matters.

But here’s the hard truth: trying to force a conversation in the moment never works. If your partner says, “I can’t talk about this right now,” and you follow them around the house trying to keep the conversation going, it’s going to end in more damage, not less.

What works better? Saying something like: “I’m upset too, but I agree we’re not in a good place to talk about it right now. Let’s schedule time to come back to it.”

That’s not letting go of your feelings. That’s being mature enough to hold space for both of your emotions—and wait until you're both ready.

What Happens If You Never Come Back to the Conversation?

Here’s the other extreme: some couples get good at not fighting—but then never circle back to the hard topics. They avoid big conversations in the name of peace, and over time, resentment builds quietly beneath the surface.

The solution? Build in time to actually return to these conversations. Schedule a weekly “relationship check-in,” or agree to come back to the issue after dinner, on Sunday morning, or whenever you’re both calm. Put it in your calendars if you have to.

It doesn’t have to take forever. Even 15 minutes of calm, intentional conversation is better than three hours of chaos.

A Real Example from Therapy

A couple I worked with, let's call them Ken and Mia, came to therapy just two months after getting married. They were overwhelmed by stress—family drama, work, and everyday life—but what really hurt their relationship was the pressure to “communicate” everything immediately. They thought they had to.

Every time something went wrong, they tried to fix it on the spot. But they weren’t fixing anything—they were just wearing each other out.

Once I gave them permission to not solve things immediately—and taught them how to take timeouts—the change was dramatic. They didn’t stop arguing entirely (no couple does), but their arguments no longer left deep scars. They had space to cool down, reset, and reconnect.

Communication in Marriage Is Sometimes Just About Timing

The truth is, your marriage doesn’t need perfect communication. It needs intentional communication—built on empathy, patience, and respect for each other’s emotional rhythms.

Taking a timeout is one of the most powerful tools in your relationship toolkit. It helps you avoid unnecessary fights, reduces emotional damage, and builds trust that you will come back and deal with the issue—just not in the heat of the moment.

So if there’s one skill I could teach every couple, it’s this: Talk about it later. You’ll fight less, feel more connected, and build a marriage where both of you feel safe, heard, and loved.