One of the questions I’ve been asked about the strategies I mention in the book is about the difficulty of executing timeouts. I make no bones about this—if you’ve read the free chapters available on the home page, the chapter on timeout is in there—it can be tough to pull off. Crucial, but tough.
For some people, it can be super anxiety-provoking (can we get a new, simpler word for that?) to sit around while your partner is mad at you. There is an urgent pressure to resolve the situation so that everything is cool again and nobody is mad at anybody.
The problem, as I explain in the book, is that if your partner is mad at you, they can’t un-mad themselves on the spot. And trying to calmly and productively address a problem when one or both of you are mad is bound to fail.
(I’m referring here to the really edgy kind of madness a person feels in the wake of some incident—think of that moment right when you stub your toe—not the general kind of madness you might feel some time afterwards, when you’re mad about it but not feeling the same level of tension or out-of-controlness about it. You don’t have to be totally cool with your partner to tell them you’re mad at them—that wouldn’t really make sense.)
So it’s true that you’re a little bit stuck. If you run forward into talking about the issue, you will likely make things worse (please check in with your experience and let me know if I’m wrong here.) But if you just sit around, it can be pretty stressful, or just plain awkward. What to do?
Being Mad Is Not So Bad
It’s important to recognize that there’s actually nothing wrong with being mad at each other for a little while. It’s uncomfortable, sure, but it’s not in itself damaging. (The actual experience of being mad, that is, being mad + yelling or name-calling or what have you can definitely be damaging.)
It’s kind of like a cramp. It can hurt pretty badly, but you can generally tolerate it, knowing that it’s nothing dangerous and will go away soon. If you’d rush to do an appendectomy or something, you’d probably be doing more harm than good.
Instead of running after your spouse to “talk about it,” you’re better off letting them be, to cool down for a while first. Meanwhile, it’s on you to manage your anxiety about the situation.
Remind yourself that this is not an emergency. It may be uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean the best thing is to go charging in to deal with it on the spot. You have probably been through this situation before and the marriage survived; more likely than not, your partner isn’t leaving you right now because of this one fight. (I am thinking here of all the normal fights you and every other couple have; if, on the other hand, your spouse just discovered your affair or something of that nature, that is a horse of another color. And even then, insisting on talking about it right away is probably unhelpful.)
Think about how it’s gone in the past when you tried to address things in the moment. My guess is, not awesome. If you’re worried that “we’re never going to talk about it,” then resolve to do so this time, when the temperature has cooled a little bit.
Knowing how to talk about it later will help a lot. If you’ve read through my whole book, or already have a mechanism for communicating, lean on that. If you are in couples counseling, plan to bring it up in your next session. At the end of the day, it’s you who chooses whether the subject gets brought up again or is just swept under the rug. All is not lost if you let the issue at hand go for a day or three.
Managing the Panic
If you feel panicky waiting around while your spouse is upset, pay attention to what your brain is saying to you; don’t just run around and act on those feelings.
Is it “we have to fix this now”? Or “if we don’t talk about this, how are we ever going to solve our problems”? Or even “he’s going to leave if we don’t solve this”?
Then stop and answer back to your brain:
“We have to fix this now!” "No, we don’t. It’s not an emergency.”
“If we don’t talk about this, how are we ever going to solve our problems?” "We're going to talk about this later, not now when we’re worked up.”
“He’s going to leave if we don’t solve this!” "We will solve it—just not this instant. Pestering him to talk when he doesn’t want to isn’t going to make him want to stay more!”
Find responses that make sense to you and repeat them to yourself until they sink in.
Next, go do something else. Relax in a bubble bath or on a jog around the block. Or, if you prefer, go do something to engage your brain in something else, like organizing the pantry that’s been a mess for weeks or sending off that email that you didn’t get around to yet. Put your mind somewhere else rather than stressing about the current situation (which, again, is not an emergency).
You could also spend the time reviewing the approach laid out in my book (or other favorite resource) for how to have the conversation well when everyone is ready (not to mention the chapter on timeout that reminds you why it’s so critical to wait until later). The better you are at managing the conversation when things are calm, the more confident you will feel when they are not that you’ll be able to resolve things later.
The Bottom Line
I have seen very well-meaning people drive their marriage into the ground because, as frustrating as the disagreements and fights were, the insisting, pleading, and ranting that came afterwards to the tune of “let’s talk about it” were far, far worse. Don’t be that couple.
If you find timeout difficult, work on your stress management, or talk to a coach or therapist to learn how to handle yourself. But don’t dump the expectation on your spouse to be ready to talk about it just because you want or need to. Ain’t gonna work.
I know it’s not easy. It’s certainly not pleasant. But it’s a lot more effective. Take a break. Manage your anxiety. See marriage prosper. 👍🏻
You can do it!
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