Can Our Communication Really Improve Just by Reading a Book on Communication?

If you’re like some couples, the thought of seeing actual change in your communication patterns may seem like a fantasy. Maybe they’ve been entrenched for so long that you can hardly imagine it being any other way. Maybe you’ve tried doing things differently but have fallen back to old habits. Maybe you’ve already read relationship self-help books to no avail.

So why will this one be different? Can you really improve your communication by reading a book?

Well, yes and no.

Yes, because this book lays out clear, thorough steps for doing it differently. Although most of what’s in here honestly isn’t all that novel or wildly original, there are some added tips and concepts that may help you make it over the hump where you’ve been unable to in the past.

You may have tried “active listening” only to find yourselves actively listening through another argument. That’s okay; in the book you’ll get some guidance on common pitfalls of the approach I lay out and ways to avoid or overcome them.

You may have a partner who’s not interested in reading to improve the relationship; no worries, we’ll address that too.

So yes, reading this book can make a difference.

But also no – because it probably won’t help just to read it. You’re going to have to try it as well. I am guilty as anyone of reading a book that says, “try these exercises” and then basically doing them as thought experiments, nodding my head, and moving on.

It won’t work.

You’re going to have to practice, adjust, fail, try again, practice some more. For sure if this book helps you, it won’t be overnight. I am married for 18 years at the time of this writing and I still make mistakes sometimes, stumble on my own pride or arrogance, pick up and try again.

It won’t take you 18 years to see a change. But you also won’t get there by the time you’re finished the book. It’s going to take time and effort – like anything worthwhile in life.

Additional Factors to Consider

There’s also many reasons that reading a book might not cut it for you.

There are more serious issues here than just communication.

If you or your partner are grappling with bigger issues than communication style and technique, you may need to attend to those before any of this will make much of an impact. (BTW, these points are also mentioned in the book – I got you covered.)

For example, if one of you has a mental illness (especially untreated), that’s going to change the stakes. It can be hard to change your perspective if you are bogged down with depression or anxiety, or if ADHD makes it hard for you to keep focused on what your partner is saying to you, or any other number of potential mental health conditions are affecting you.

Similarly, an active addiction, a personality disorder, past trauma – these can all seriously hamper your efforts at relationship-building. For all of these it’s critical to get professional help for yourself before you can hope to make meaningful change in your relationship.

You need work on emotional regulation.

Even without a mental health condition, many people have strong feelings that can throw them off course. If you can’t talk or listen to your partner about emotional issues without losing your head, that’s not a communication issue, that’s an emotion regulation issue. And that can also be changed in ways that make your life much better! But that skill is not what this book is about.

We’ll touch on some relevant ideas, but going the self-help route or finding a life coach or therapist to help you manage your emotions will probably be an important first step.

Your partner isn’t in a collaborative relationship.

If your partner doesn’t think taking other people’s needs into consideration is important – if they are a narcissist, or cognitively limited, or just plain selfish – then better communication won’t do much to help. If your partner believes that relationships are “me vs. you” instead of “us together,” that is a problem that communication is unlikely to solve.

This mindset is especially a problem in abusive relationships. If you are being subjected to abuse (whether physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, or other), in which your partner deliberately engages in a pattern of controlling behaviors, then you need to get help for that, promptly. (Call 800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline or Google dv help to see chat and text options right away.)

Getting More Communication Help

It’s important to realize also that we’re all human. (Well, some of you reading this might actually be AI bots. But I’m not really addressing you guys.) We all have flaws, biases, strong emotions. It is entirely possible and reasonable that you might need extra support in getting a handle on communication in your relationship, especially when it comes to the really spicy issues.

There’s no shame in that. If you and your partner want to go learn how to play tennis, you might pick up Tennis for Dummies or watch some videos on YouTube. But you might also hire a coach to spot where your backhand is off.

Likewise when it comes to the skill of communication – it’s not something you’re born with. You might want a relationship coach or couples therapist to help you spot your weak points and improve with practice.

I can do that. There are many others that can do that as well. Don’t feel like you have to go it alone!

This book can help. It’s a great place to start. Give it a shot, try the approach laid out herein, and if you need further help, hey you can always reach out.